How big is 700 billion?

by Jonco October 4th, 2008

•  If Sarah Palin bought 700 billion Popsicles and divided them equally among her kids, they would still have the weirdest names in Alaska.
•  If you had rented Bonfire Of The Vanities from the Clam Bay Blockbuster on March 18, 1991 for 700 billion days, you still wouldn’t have finished watching it.  Because it’s crap.
•  If you were the last car in a line of 700 billion identical Porsche Boxsters, and a guy came in behind you in a Plymouth Neon, he would still pull out to pass.
•  If you put all your spare pennies in a coffee mug on your bedroom dresser every day, and never spent them, and never gave them to charity, or to your kids, and never accidentally lost a bunch of them when the cat jumped on your dresser and dumped them, it wouldn’t take long before you started wondering what the heck* you’re going to do with all those pennies.
•  If you were waiting in line to renew your license at the DMV and you took a ticket from the machine that said ‘Take A Ticket And Wait Until Your Number Is Called’, and the number on your ticket was 700,000,000,000, the number on the ‘Now Being Served’ sign would say 700,000,000,018.
•  If you paid your cellphone service provider $700 billion in advance to take advantage of their Prepaid Weekends offer for the rest of your life, you would immediately get a weekend job in a hospital where you can’t use a cellphone.
•  If you went into Sleep Country and asked if you could stack 700 billion Sealy mattresses on top of each other to see if their advertising claims were true, you would discover that you had a ceiling problem after about 11 mattresses.
•  If Kirstie Alley eats one more cookie, she will weigh 700 billion pounds.
•  If you owned a dog that liked to roll in dead fish carcasses whenever it went to the beach, there would be 700 billion dead fish on the beach the next time you went there.
•  If some financial wizard did a lot of math and figured that the taxpayers would have to pay a bunch of slick weasels 700 billion dollars to solve a problem they created, it wouldn’t take the taxpayers long to figure out how much it would cost to buy enough burlap sacks and rocks to take care of all the slick weasels they could round up.

And some more…

LAUNDRY:

Women do laundry every couple of days.

A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there.

SOCKS:

Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.

Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

PLANTS:

A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.

The man will water the plants.

The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants.

No one knows why this happens.

MUSTACHES:

Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.

There are no women who look good with mustaches.

LOW BLOWS:

Let’s say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television, and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow.

The woman says “Oh, gee, that must hurt.”

The man doubles over and actually feels pain.

ADMITTING MISTAKES:

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.

The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.

MENOPAUSE:

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual.

Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an expensive foreign sports car.

MIRRORS:

Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.

Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface – mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola’s head…

GARAGES:

Women use garages to parke their cars and to store their lawnmowers.

Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages.

HANDWRITING:

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.

Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their “i’s” with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their “p’s” and “g’s.” It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she’s dumping you, she’ll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

MATURITY:

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults.

Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

RELATIONSHIPS:

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled “All Men Are Idiots.” Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup – at 3 am early on a Sunday morning – he will call and say “I just wanted you to let you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you’re a total floozy. But I want you to know there’s always a chance for us.” This is known as the “I Hate You/I Love You” drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas these classes rarely prove effective.