Funny Tweet Collection for this Week

• “I’m sorry previews, but “Best Movie of the Year” means nothing to me on January 23rd.”

• “Dreading the day I get an x-ray done & everyone discovers how many paper clips I’ve been eating.”

• “I can always depend on my Alpha-Bits cereal for a healthy and regular vowel movement.”

• While other countries are doubling down on education, we’re using chicken breasts as sandwich bread. – FTW

• LIKE, if when you are in the car and a sad song comes on the radio, you stare out the window and act like you’re in a movie.

• Heard in the office: “I hope the person who knocked repeatedly on the bathroom door knows I took longer on purpose.”

• “Our neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.”

• YouTube comments: The Trailer Park of the Internet

• We are shocked that not one dairy farmer in Israel has thought to call his company “Cheeses of Nazareth”!

• DUCT TAPE. Turning “No! no! no!” into “Mmm, mmm, mmm.”

• Peeing is Foursquare for dogs.

“We can’t believe they let people own guns. Public toilets are all the proof we need that humans have horrible aim.”

“Just filled a bird bath with ranch dressing so my feathered friends have something to dip worms in. Pay it forward, everybody.”

I’m having an existential crisis because I dialed a wrong number and the man who answered asked me, “Who is you?!”

The hardest part about doing a Nativity scene is teaching the baby to Tebow.

I live every day trying to not disappoint the three people who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school yearbook.