I think what I did to get away from that spider could qualify as parkour. #funny #humor

— Sanitary Funny Pics(@Sanitaryum) March 31, 2012

 

“I don’t think this girl on Facebook will “survive” the 2nd day of her diet…I’ll keep you posted.”

— Sanitary Funny Pics(@Sanitaryum) March 31, 2012

Hope nobody has a video of me trying to get the fourth corner of a fitted sheet over the mattress.#funny #humor

— Sanitary Funny Pics(@Sanitaryum) March 28, 2012

I could never be a hardcore gangsta rapper because there’s probably a limit to how much you can enjoy a scone in public. #humor #funny

— Sanitary Funny Pics(@Sanitaryum) March 28, 2012

No matter where you live, there’s always 1 light switch that doesn’t do anything. #truestory #funny

— Sanitary Funny Pics(@Sanitaryum) March 26, 2012

If a robber ever breaks in, I’ll just pretend to be one too, and we’ll laugh and hug and he’ll leave because I have first dibs.

— Sanitary Funny Pics(@Sanitaryum) March 21, 2012

Funny Tweet Collection for this Week

• “I’m sorry previews, but “Best Movie of the Year” means nothing to me on January 23rd.”

• “Dreading the day I get an x-ray done & everyone discovers how many paper clips I’ve been eating.”

• “I can always depend on my Alpha-Bits cereal for a healthy and regular vowel movement.”

• While other countries are doubling down on education, we’re using chicken breasts as sandwich bread. – FTW

• LIKE, if when you are in the car and a sad song comes on the radio, you stare out the window and act like you’re in a movie.

• Heard in the office: “I hope the person who knocked repeatedly on the bathroom door knows I took longer on purpose.”

• “Our neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.”

• YouTube comments: The Trailer Park of the Internet

• We are shocked that not one dairy farmer in Israel has thought to call his company “Cheeses of Nazareth”!

• DUCT TAPE. Turning “No! no! no!” into “Mmm, mmm, mmm.”

• Peeing is Foursquare for dogs.

“We can’t believe they let people own guns. Public toilets are all the proof we need that humans have horrible aim.”