One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver’s side door with him standing right there. “NOOO!” he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.

Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. “MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!” he exclaimed. “Your a lawyer aren’t you?” asked the policeman. “Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!” the lawyer asked. “HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn’t even notice that your left arm is missing did you?” the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed “MY ROLEX!”

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’” “But why?” asks the man. “I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with the old rancher. “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.”

“Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

“See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land! No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?”

The rancher nodded politely. “I’m sorry,” and with that he went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams. He looked up and saw the DEA officer running for his life with the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis bull in hot pursuit. The bull was gaining ground on the officer with every step and it seemed just a matter of a few more steps before the officer would be gored.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs: “Your badge! Show him your BADGE!!”

A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, the nurse said it had.

I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was against hospital policy to give this information over the phone.

“Fine,” I said. “I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn’t have?”

“It wasn’t a boy,” came the reply.

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.

9. He’s won the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeez” 95 times during the movie “The Net”

4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. Video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among turn-ons.

2. When his computer starts up, you hear, “Good Morning, Mr. President.”

1. You hear him murmur, “Let’s see you use that Visa card now, jerk.”

A blonde guy and a brunette girl were happily married and were about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys. The blonde guy turns to the girl and angrily says, “Alright, who’s the other father!”

Hilarious. Read the boys’ application FIRST. It’s funnier that way.

Click to view and/or download the pdfs. — Sanitaryum