Funny Tweet Collection for this Week

• “I’m sorry previews, but “Best Movie of the Year” means nothing to me on January 23rd.”

• “Dreading the day I get an x-ray done & everyone discovers how many paper clips I’ve been eating.”

• “I can always depend on my Alpha-Bits cereal for a healthy and regular vowel movement.”

• While other countries are doubling down on education, we’re using chicken breasts as sandwich bread. – FTW

• LIKE, if when you are in the car and a sad song comes on the radio, you stare out the window and act like you’re in a movie.

• Heard in the office: “I hope the person who knocked repeatedly on the bathroom door knows I took longer on purpose.”

• “Our neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.”

• YouTube comments: The Trailer Park of the Internet

• We are shocked that not one dairy farmer in Israel has thought to call his company “Cheeses of Nazareth”!

• DUCT TAPE. Turning “No! no! no!” into “Mmm, mmm, mmm.”

• Peeing is Foursquare for dogs.

“We can’t believe they let people own guns. Public toilets are all the proof we need that humans have horrible aim.”

“Just filled a bird bath with ranch dressing so my feathered friends have something to dip worms in. Pay it forward, everybody.”

I’m having an existential crisis because I dialed a wrong number and the man who answered asked me, “Who is you?!”

The hardest part about doing a Nativity scene is teaching the baby to Tebow.

I live every day trying to not disappoint the three people who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school yearbook.

“If there was an award for laziness… I’d probably send someone to pick it up for me.”

“I’m going to take a hot shower. It’s a normal shower, but with me in it.”

The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?”

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”

The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver’s side door with him standing right there. “NOOO!” he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.

Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. “MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!” he exclaimed. “Your a lawyer aren’t you?” asked the policeman. “Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!” the lawyer asked. “HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn’t even notice that your left arm is missing did you?” the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed “MY ROLEX!”